Tomorrow..

I've very conflicted about tomorrow..

Its a complicated day for me.

Its my wedding anniversary, but also a date that marks a deep betrayal of trust.

Its also my day off..

But I'm spending it at home with my kids while my husband will be out of town from 9 am to 9 pm.

And, its a day I'm hoping will prove to be less disappointing than it was last year.

If Anyone wants to bring me a bottle of black swan Shiraz and some sushi tomorrow and come celebrate/mourn my day with me, be my guest.  I'll just be here doing laundry and reading.

Sisters

I have a very large family.
I'm the 2nd oldest out of 9 kids.
Yup, NINE.

there were 5 girls and 4 boys.

So, I have a lot of practice being a sister.

Here are some of the not so great things about sisters.

• They're hormonal, especially in their teens.
• They use your makeup and stuff. and sometimes they wear your clothes on the same day You wanted to wear them ( even though you didn't know you wanted to wear it until you saw them in it)
• They look better in your clothes than you do. 
• They will embarrass you in front of the boys you like.
• When you get older and you still have little sitters at home and they're a lot like you were, they will drive you EFFING CRAZY!

Here are some fantastical things about sisters.

• They understand your families particular brand of crazy
• You can borrow their clothes and their makeup and stuff.
• You will sometimes look better in their clothes than they do.
• You can embarrass them in front of boys they like.
• When you are older and you have little sisters that are still at home and are a lot like you were, you can DRIVE THEM crazy!

All kidding aside though, I have the most diverse and amazing sisters in my family.

My older sister, who I always thought was never faced with a hard decision in her life, NOW that I've gotten older is awe inspiring to me. She is a committed Stay at home mom to 6 kids ( which would cause me to be a different kind of committed), she learned ( against all odds) how to cook, she home-schools, she is starting up a TJed Co-Op, she runs a Inspirational Mothering Blog http://empoweringmothers.wordpress.com/ ( check it out YO!), and is looking at writing a book. Freakin' Rock-star!

My Sister 4 years younger than me, totally different. Although I know I'm not supposed to have Favorites she's the one I'm closest to.  She is a different kind of rock-star. The kind with Killer Pipes! For Real! This Girl can SING! on top of that she plays the piano, wicked good. Not to mention that she's a single mom to 2 adorable and crazy smart littles. She battles Anxiety and Depression and a host of other demons every day, and she still gets up and gets on with things every. single. day. Even when she's out of sorts and holding on to a very thin worn down thread, you can see that she's a strong and talented person. There are amazing things that are going to come from her down the road. just wait and see. :)

My next sister, Just turned 23. She's living in Washington State. She's Vegan, and not because its trendy. Because she honestly and truly believes in not only sanctity of life ( even for animals) but because she wants them to have comfortable, loved existences, and not just be treated as a source of food ( like most dairy cows and factory farm chickens are). She does not compromise her beliefs for anything or anyone. she has taking a lot of verbal fire from people who should be supporting her ( family and friends) but still she stand strong. She has unique personal challenges as far as her living situation and her choices being so different than the rest of the family, but she has a wonderfully strong sense of self and is very tuned into Spirit and is one of the most genuinely accepting and loving people I've ever had the privileged to know.  She just needs to learn not to second guess herself so much. That will come. :) 

the youngest? She's far too much like me. I can see that her stubbornness will serve her well when she gets older. Her ability to speak up will be both a blessing and a curse. she internal fire will burn brightly once she finds a good outlet for it. until then? we're just gonna hold on, because if her teen years are anything like mine we're in for a bumpy ride! ;)

There are a few other Ladies that I have in my life that are like sister. I feel like they are people who I had soul agreements with. people who are my sisters in spirit. I could go on all day about these Titans of Female Prowess, But then this post would be FAR too long.  

I have been so very blessed with the sisters in my life. They are my "village". They are the hearth I go to to warm my soul and to sit and listen and learn and talk. Without them, I would not be the same.

Rollin' and Tumblin'

This song make me feel full and satisfied.

Enjoy.

Quitting is for winners.

Or, rather, knowing when to quit is for winners.

I'm someone who wants to hang on to the familiar and comfortable for far longer than I should. Far past when its no longer serving me and I'm no longer serving it. 

I'm working on quitting this behavior, because it does not serve my goals.

There are other things that are no longer serving my growth or the long term ideas I have for my self and my family that I will most likely be quitting too..

But for now, in an attempt to clear out things to make room for new blessings, here is a list of things that I've been working on quitting.

• Smoking every day. ( this has been going quite well.. I have only had a hand full of cigarettes in the last month, and I'm ok with that.)

•  Doing ANYTHING out of a place of guilt.

• Extra projects that can be put on the back burner while I get other plans into motion.

• Taking blame that does not belong to me.

• Using stability as an excuse to not grow and expand

What are you quitting to help you be a winner?

Perfection is an excuse.

I'm sick of people thinking they have to act perfect, look perfect, have a perfect house, a perfect marriage, a perfect car, perfect kids, the perfect job that pays the perfect amount..

Its a sell out.

Its an excuse to not be real, to not do the gutsy things in life.

Make a damn mistake people! 

Get dirty!

Mess stuff up!

Make seemingly inane decisions... if that's what makes your soul sing!

Get real!

Because the only kind of perfect I'll EVER believe you are, is if you're being perfectly you.

THAT you cant fake. 

Do the hard stuff and get real with your self, because the facade of perfection will fail you eventually. 

OWN IT!

This is short sweet, and meat to be a reminder to myself:

Stand up.

Speak up.

Do what you feel.

Take credit.

Accept responsibility.

Its your life, you call the shots, so 

OWN IT!

 

And that's all folks 

Normal is overrated.

My life is not normal by any definition of the word.

I hate that word. 

"Normal".

"the Norm"

.. it denotes Mediocrity, Absence of excitement, Flavorlessness, Blah, Boredom.

My life is not roller-coaster type exciting, its actually relatively calm, and calm is good.. but its also filled with extraordinary things.


Here are just a few of the things that are not "Normal" in my life.

• I had all of my darling children at home, with all the excitement, blood, tears, noise, pain, bliss, and crazy feel goods that go along with that.  Ever want to know how powerful you really are? Do this! It will rock your world, and make you know you can do anything.
• I was home schooled.
• I knew my husband for 10 years before we got married. But I knew the first day I met him that he was important to my life story. 
• I have a large amount of connections. I have people for everything.. I know someone in almost every state and country, and in almost every profession. I don't know everything, or even close, but I probably know who to ask! 
• I've always known I had odd skills and challenges. especially when it comes to healing.
• The wider my circle of friends gets the smaller my world gets.
• I Love health foods and non chemical things and I will talk your ear off about the evils of pharmaceuticals, but I also love the occasional cigarette, glass of wine, and candy bar, and I'm addicted to coke and coffee. 
• I hate shoes
• And pants.
• I feel like I was born in the wrong era.

I thrive on extraordinary, I dig exceptional. I get high on other people being crazy excited about things. I adore passion. 

There's no place for normal in all that. No "median range" in exceptional. The bell curve is for suckers. 

And my dirty little secret is.. 

I have shoved myself into "normal" for far too long. I've made sacrifices on the alter of " getting by". Step by step that's coming to an end. 

Exciting? yes. Terrifying? Hell yes! 

Necessary, in the extreme though. 

How do you feel about Normal? 

Someone told me the other day that my 6 year old was just not normal.. my response? "Thank GOD!"

March- the worst and best things in my life.

March is a uniquely bipolar month for me.

My first wedding was in March. It was a lovely wedding, and it lead to some very necessary experiences for me, but it was also the catalyst for some of the more painful experiences.

My Brother died in a car accident in March.. its cast a shadow over that month every year since.

My sister had her first child, and my first niece, in March.. and she is a joy. So smart, and charming, and lovely. She's also my second son's best friend.

But one of the most important things to have come about in March in any way.. is my family of March Moms.
See.. I don't have a March Baby. I have a January baby. I very randomly fell in with these ladies when the wondered away from a larger site of expecting groups right after their babies were born. They formed their own board, and they have been a solid group for 7 years now.
And for 7 years I have had the pleasure of being able to call them friends. Even though my Marchmallow baby was born 9 months later than theirs.

I don't know that I've ever met a more connected, more fiercely loyal and protective group of ladies.

OH, we've had our differences, arguments, people come and go. and come back. and go. and come back again. We've had the same kinds of drama all large groups of women have. But these ladies are among some of my nearest and dearest friends. They are my sisters in the crazy world of motherhood. They are my safe haven.

So today, my post goes out to celebrate that sisterhood of motherhood. Thank you to all of my dear March Momma friends. You are cherished more than you know.
<3

Life is wonderful.

Because it was one of my brothers favorite songs.
Because Life is SO wonderful and beautiful and terrible and crazy all at the same time.


and also a little bit because I'm still behind on posts and need to catch up on M still.


This song has been following me around today and I want to share it with YOU. Because no matter what is going on in your life.. your life, right now, is wonderful in its own way.

K. T. Tunstall- Heal over

One of my favorite female singers.

I have a lot of friends going through the shit right now.. so I wanted to post this for them too..

Jealousy: Petty, or Intuitive?

I've never considered myself to be a jealous person. I have however been accused of being one at times.
In each of those cases the outcome has been consistent.
The person I was accused of being jealous of has proven to have had ulterior motives behind their friendship with or interest in my significant other.

Are there people who are unreasonably defensive and are automatically suspicious of anyone who displays any interest in their partner? Absolutely. But those people are generally either doing something that they shouldn't themselves ( and are therefore on edge and distrustful), OR have serious lack of trust in their relationship and significant other.

I have learned that if I am generally confident in my relationship, and suddenly I find myself suspicious of someones interactions with my husband, or just about that person in general.. its for good reason.

In any case, I dislike that it gets brushed away as my being "jealous", especially because it is not my normal reaction in such cases. Also the word Jealous by definition is the state of being envious of something someone else has. Therefore.. if it's in regards to MY husband, its not jealousy. Its an awareness of when someone is threatening my turf. Its instinct and intuition kicking in so that I can defend my family unit.

In short. If you're not a generally jealous person.. and you feel those alarm bells going off. Listen to them. Odds are that someone is encroaching on your territory and you're feeling the instinct to defend it kicking in.
Jealousy is not the same thing.

Go ahead an be jealous of someones house, or shoes, or job... but if its your relationship? That's not Jealousy.
Listening to your sixth sense about someone else is just old fashioned good instinct. Do your self a favor. Don't discount your gut.

( sorry for the non pretty posts lately.. I've been short on time and haven't been able to decorate them up like usual.)

A-Z posts on hold for a minute.

Sorry guys... Still working on kicking this thing.. I'm going to try to get caught back up over the weekend and I will work on visiting lots of blogs too since I'm behind on that also. look for J tomorrow.. I have an interesting topic if I can just find the time to write it.

Illness as a blessing

weird concept right?

I know it isn't always. Sometimes its just a giant pain in the ass. Even then, usually, when you really look at it in retrospect, If you listen to your body and you take the time to recuperate it is.

Illness is your body's way of telling you that you need to change something

Slow down
Sleep more
Pamper yourself
Let other people take care of the details.
Ignore the mess in the house for a day or two.
Take an extra day off work
Drink more water

And since you weren't listening to the other signals you were getting to do those things.. it will force you to do what needs to be done.

Sometimes, illness is a blessing to others too

It helps them to shift focus outside themselves.
Gives them an opportunity to be of service to someone else.
Makes them more self reliant ( if they're used to you taking care of their needs)

Today, as my body is recovering from illness, I'm very grateful for the blessings it brought me.

That doesn't mean I want to stay ill.. but I am more than willing to acknowledge that I needed the break, and I wouldn't have taken it on my own.

H is for Hell

Which is what I feel like right now.

I have spent the whole day in bed nursing a cold that feels more like the plague, and I'm taking my own advice and giving myself permission to just skip out on todays posts.

Happy A to Z'ing.

I'll catch you all very soon.

Give yourself permission.

Do it! 
Right now!

What do you need?

Give yourself permission to do that.

Do you need a day off from everything?
Shut off your phone, leave town, lock the door, rent a hotel room, put your email on vacation. Take a real day off. You have permission.

Do you need to make a stand with someone?
Collect your thoughts. speak plainly and kindly. Set healthy boundaries. Make your self clear. You have permission.

Do you need to take care of something for you?
Call and make the appointment. Buy the item. You have permission.

Do you feel liberated yet? 
You are set free. 

You don't need any one's permission but your own. You are always the one in charge of you. No one else is making your choices for you.

Go make those decisions. You always have permission.. if you give it to yourself.

Fierce Friends.

You know that saying, that people are lucky if they have a handful of true and loyal friends over the course of their lifetime?

I must be the luckiest person in the world.

I have so many friends!
Friends that are good for just chatting with and talking up a storm about anything.
Some that are fun to go out for coffee with and talk about music.
Friends that are good to go shopping with.
Friends that are good for long phone conversations.
Old friends that I miss and would like to talk to more.
Friends that have all different kind so skills and careers.
Friends that have so many different view points on things.
Friends that are exhausting, but so wonderful and amazing in their own unique ways.
Friends that are mild, and understated, but are there for you when it truly counts.

But there are a few more that are just something.. different.
Some of them I've never met in real life. Some of them I know through this incredible invention .. online life.
Some of these friends I've known since I was young.. and they're still around..
This handful of friends, probably 8-10 in all, are FIERCE.

These friends are the ones that I could not talk to for years.. but if I really needed them? They'd be there.
Friends that would drop anything to talk to me in a crisis... and would tell me what I need to hear even if I don't want to hear it.
Friends who will always get excited with me about my newest "thing", and believe in me. Even when I don't.
Friends who know I'd do the same for them.

I know I'm lucky in this regard. I live a very blessed life, by the grace and giving of other people.

I think the reason I have such good friends is because I try to be a good friend first. If someone is important to me I treat  them like family. I don't let them go without. I make sure they know I'm there, and even when they're too busy to keep in touch I reach out to them.
But that doesn't account for all of it. Somehow, Someway, I managed to hit the friendship jackpot. And for that, I'm thankful every day.

Easter is..

A weird holiday in our house.

When I was a kid it started out normal enough. We did the nice new church outfits, and went to Easter church services, we had visits from the Easter Bunny, and we did the eggs hunts and baskets filled with candy and all that nonsense.

Then, we got into health food.. so the candy turned into educational toys, and maybe some "all natural" treats.

Then we got really poor, and the whole thing turned into church, a letter and our favorite candy bar from mom, and our early morning Easter hike to watch the sunrise. Which was oddly nice, and very stress free.



Then when my parents started studying Passover.. they decided that it was going to be incorporated into our Easter celebration. the first year there was a massive cleaning out of all the yeast and other leavening in the house, and a full on lock down of the house at sundown.

Since that point they've found a nice little groove.. where they can keep their lovely tradition of going on their sunrise walk, they go to church, and then they have their Passover Seder  ( minus the cleaning out of the whole house, and the lock down). It's probably my favorite holiday with my family, and its the meal I look forward to most every year.

So with my own kids, I do the baskets and candy ( although with a bit or restriction since Grayson can't have artificial dyes) and we dye eggs.. and we go on egg hunts.. and then I work in the evenings ( hazard of working in the food industry).

We're not a church going family at our house.. but we still go to my parents house and we have the Passover Seder every year. Rich with singing, and reading bible verse, and kids hunting for hunks of bread ( yes, really!), and just small ritual portions of food until, more than an hour later, we get to eat dinner. we don't always have it on the right day.. but we plan it around when we can all be there.. I'd say its become out most important family holiday, the one that takes highest priority. Definitely the one that I place the most importance on being able to attend.

And we're not even remotely Jewish.

And I'm not even remotely religious.

And I'm OK with that.. because the whole thing is beautiful. And even if I'm not a card carrying church goer, I can appreciate the rich history and the beauty of tradition, and story telling.

For me, that's what Easter is about.

That, and curried lamb.

Dividing my time.

Been thinking a lot lately about work/life balance, and making sure that things are prioritized properly, which leads to my short post and a question for today..

Ideally I'd love to see things balanced out 25% work, 25% kids, 25% husband, 25% Me for my waking hours.

It was more like 50% Work, 30% Kids 15% Husband 5% Me.. so I made some adjustments because I thought my work was taking away from my time with the family. re prioritized some things there.. and right about now we have about..

40% Work, 35% Kids, 20% Husband, and 5% Me.

As you can see we made some headway in all areas except one...

So, is this normal? Are all working moms in this vortex of  "time exists only for other people"?

Sometimes I wonder if other people have a system for dividing their time, that makes all this and time to regroup and decompress possible, and its some crazy secret that you have to be told.. and then a light bulb goes on, and you're instantly able to do it all and still have time to relax.. because I swear I know people who know how, but they're not telling.

what do you think? how's your time division worked out?

oh, and PS.. if you know the secret to getting it all done and still having time, send it to me. I promise I wont tell.

Have a Coke and a Smile ( C is for cop out)

I'm sitting here, stressed out ( life got the better of me today), trying to figure out what to post about for A to Z today, with 20 minutes left in the day. Yeah... its been one of those days. and I work at 5:30 am... and then I decided to take the low road. Cop out a little.. and just share some things that I like that start with the letter C.. and at the top of that list?

COKE!


I will actually choose what restaurant to eat at based on if they have Coke or Pepsi. I will drink almost anything ( other than diet) instead of another cola. and I have a hierarchy of coke products too.. Cherry Coke is at the bottom of that list, then Vanilla Coke, then Classic Coke, then Classic Coke with Lime, then Mexican Coke, then Mexican coke with lime, then at the top of the list.. Coke mixed with Crown Royal ( hey, Momma gets to relax sometimes too.).
I am a Beverage snob.
Since I work in a restaurant I am aware that I'm not the only person with this oddity. Other people are just as snobbish about their beverages as I am. This helps me feel validated and like I'm justified in being a picky bitch, which is great ( I think).

Coffee!
Are you sensing a theme here?

I probably drink a good pot and a half of this wonderful substance every. single. day.
I like it strong but with cream. and I'm talking the real kind. not the non-dairy crap.
If you're wondering exactly HOW MUCH I love my coffee.. please refer back to my post http://thenicestbitchyouknow.blogspot.com/2011/09/coffee-is-like-10000-or-sometimes-i-am.html Here. It will explain a bit about it. ;)

And so you have something lovely to listen to on your way to bed.. here are two very different but both equally enjoyed Artists to listen to. Both starting with C.

Boys, Boys, Boys.

For the people who are new here, I am the only female in a house filled with boys.

I have 4 boys ( and I'm married to one too), all very unique, and all very wonderful ( at least, I think so), but still.. all very, very, boyish.

I would not trade them for girls in a millions years. Don't get me wrong, they come with their own set of issues. Everything I own is dirty, dented, broken, loud, and smelly.. also a lot of it is electronic. However, there's something about boys and their ability to be real.

For all the shit that people ( mostly girls/women) talk about boys/men, there is just something special about them.

They are so willing to be themselves. They aren't afraid to be competitive, to show drive, to get dirty, to break things trying to figure out how something works, to get hurt.. again, and again, and again. And when they aren't told that they have to be reserved, and tough, and not show emotion.. they also aren't afraid to be gentle, and kind, and helpful, and loving.

Girls with all their manipulation, and games, and the way they are trained by their peers, early on, that they have to be sneaky and ruthless to get anywhere in life.. its scary. I know what girls learn and talk about and do.I am one.

Now I just have to figure out a good way to teach my boys how to spot the ones who will beat them down and manipulate them before they get old enough that its too late..

Luckily I have a husband who is just the right amount of  "Boy" still, that he can help them hang on to that.. and hopefully I'll be able to hang onto their sweet boyishness for a good long time yet.

Now I'm off to sleep with the sounds of my two middle boys having a singing fight over who loves Mommy more, while they were killing zombies on roblox, still echoing in my mind. :)

Anger Vs. Frustration ( I'm not angry but I'm getting there..)

Anger.


This is a topic I've been meaning to pick apart for a little while. It fascinates me that I have such a narrow definition of what anger is when I'm feeling it, and so many other peoples definition seems much broader.

There are many cousins to it that I feel often... and apparently those come across as anger to many people in my immediate firing range.
Irritation, Aggravation, and most often Frustration seem to fall into the broader category of  "Anger" for most of the people in my life. For me, they fall under the umbrella of  "Upset" but each have distinct differences.

I love accuracy, and precise definition. Frustration and Anger are not at all the same thing in my world.. and Lord help the man ( or woman) who tells me that I'm angry when I am, in fact, not.
If there is anything that will get me Angry in a hot second , it would be someone else telling me how I'm feeling. I'm a relatively self aware person 90% of the time, and I know when I'm angry, and when I'm not.


Its almost like a comical self fulfilling prophecy ( or in this case, self fulfilling accusation) because once someone tells me that I need to stop acting or being so angry about something.. there's about a 30 second length of time where you can fix it before I get angry and all Hell breaks loose.

So, What do you think? Is there a definite distinction between Anger and the other emotions that fall under that umbrella of "upset"? Or is Angry in the eye of the beholder?

Whats your relationship to excitment? - The Burning Question Series

Well... My relationship to excitement is detached.

I'm not one to get all "woohoo!!!" about things.

I used to be. My kids are. My husband is. I am the sole and solitary sound of realism in my house.

At work.. well, there are very few things to be excited about. I've felt for a long time that if you don't get too excited, than you don't get too disappointed. 


I'm the solid, reasonable, steady person in my home, in my social circles. This has served me, and those around me, well. At least I thought it has.

In reality, maybe it has dampened my enthusiasm. Maybe I've become less passionate about things. Maybe I burn less brightly than I should because I am so far "down to earth". Maybe I murder the fun in my home sometimes.. and limit myself to ideas that are less exciting but more realistic.

Is that what I want? What I really, deep down, firing from the ground up, want? 


So my real answer this week is:


My relationship to excitement is damaged... and I need to set about fixing it right away.
Starting with little things, like getting really excited about Easter.. and Passover ( Mmm Curry).. and dinner.. and new episodes of favorite shows.. and other things that ( if I let them) make my soul say "WooHoo!" just a little. 





Code:

The Boat I Need To Burn ( as soon as I arrive)

I skipped last weeks burning question since I just don't have the answer to it yet... I haven't been feeling revolutionary, so I'm giving it more thought. I waited (im)patiently for this weeks. And then it came.. and I wanted to run. I felt Gut-Punched. Terrified. Frozen.

What Boat Do You Need to Burn?
I only have one boat! Its the boat I'm on. Its the boat I put my whole family on. Its the boat that I was counting on carrying us onward.

But then..
Do I want to stay afloat forever??
Wouldn't we fare better if we were on solid ground? If we were more independent.. somewhere that if there's a hole in the boat we wont sink? do we even have a life raft?? Good lord this is scary.
I'd rather just ignore it and keep floating along, right?? 
Right?? 


I cant un-hear it though. Its there. The call to land. The call to get somewhere steady and firm and where I can build my own thing. And all I can think now is: I have to get there soon. Before this old boat that is far too weighed down sinks. Before I go crazy from being at sea too long and steer all of us in never ending circles. And as soon as I arrive, I WILL burn that boat.. And I will Dance! Furiously, Joyfully, around the flames. I will let it warm my endeavors and offer up gratitude that it carried us that far.

Its not ready to be burned yet, I have yet to see land. And because of that, I cannot say what the name of my boat is. But the day that I set it aflame, I will invite you all to come dance in its glow and celebrate with me. Hopefully soon..
Brightly, and Beautifully, and Peacefully.

My Purpose for Money- refined.

On Monday, Danielle LaPorte posted her second question from "The Burning Question" series. I had anticipated it and had been waiting (not so patiently)... and then it came, and I was stumped, irritated, bothered, I felt resistance.. and because of that I knew : THIS was a question I HAD to answer. It was Vitally important to find my answer for this. It was something that would help me to grow and move forward. As usual she was right on target and delivered the gut punch that I needed right when I was in the right place in life to get it. 

The question was "What is your purpose for Money?". Not how much is enough.. although thats good to know too.. but what do you need that money for, what is the purpose behind it.. what would you do with it..   because once you have a why than the doing becomes easier.

It took me 4 full days. It was on my mind constantly.. almost irritatingly non-stop. I could have filled notebooks on notebooks with the things I was thinking and the details of the purpose I have for money, but I finally refined it down to this....

My Purpose for Money is summed up in one word: Freedom.

Freedom to work less and spend more time doing the things that matter while I still can.
Freedom to travel with my family while my children still see the magic in every new experience.
Freedom to not be tied to something that makes me miserable if that ever happens in my career.
Freedom to not worry about bills and where the next tank of gas, or grocery trip, or set of clothing for a growing child will come from.
Freedom to set things on AutoPay and forget about it knowing that there will always be enough.
Freedom to support artistry, and local commerce, and sustainable enterprise.
Freedom to Do anything that my soul feels longing for, or my body might benifit from.
Freedom to say "YES!" to opportunities when they arise. Be it lunch with a friend, or a trip to see a favorite artist.
Freedom to gift generously to family and friends whenever I feel moved to do so.
Freedom to pay forward some of the kindness I've been shown.
Freedom To invest in good photos, and art, and making things beautiful in my world.
Freedom to invest in myself  and my lover.

My purpose for Money... is to no longer feel trapped by it and controlled by how much I have or don't have..  but instead to feel that it is supporting me and helping free me from those things that are detracting from my purpose and bliss.

How I Want It All To Feel.

On of my Favorite On line personalities is a Sizzling Goddess named Danielle LaPorte. She recently Re-VAMP'd her site ( check it out @ daniellelaporte.com) and started something she calls the "Burning Question series".
This first one is "How do you want it all to feel? -Sensuous goal refinement and emotional magnetizing" How can you NOT dig a title like that. she's already posted her answers. So, Today's post.. I'll be answering some of my own.
Try it.. its feels incredible to explore answering these kinds of things in terms that are more tactile, less cerebral.

I want my day to feel like Dancing.
I want kissing to feel like Champagne 
I want my next success to feel like a Lioness feels watching her cubs.
I want my body to feel like Electricity
I want smiling to feel like Breathing.
I want my friendships to feel like an early morning business coffee buzz.
I want my nervous system to feel like Rose and sandalwood and Mint. All soothing and earthy and SHARP.
I want my job to feel like Fire
I want my home to feel like playing in a garden/park
I want my money-making to feel like gathering grapes to make wine.
I want my word to feel like a 100 year old tree 
I want my laughter to feel like Jumping on a trampoline when you're 9 years old
I want the end of the day to feel like warm thick slipper-socks
I want being of service to feel like working in a garden
I want my challenges to feel like the last 2 letters in a crossword puzzle. 
I want my love to feel like Sparkling Burgundy.. Rich and Thick and Sparkling and better the more it ages , with lots of flavor and a nice buzz afterward.
I want my ideas to feel like crushed ice.

Wow. I'm sure that some of you will have no idea what I mean by some of those answers. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'm not abstract enough.  Try it.. I'll be interested to see what you come up with.

Code:


Tonight I want sleep to feel like sinking into a warm bath with Ginger tea.

<3 -Arie

I must be insane.

Or at least mildly unstable, because I just entered my friends A-Z blogging challenge.
So, in the month of April I will be writing a spectacular amount of really poorly thought out blog posts. And probably a few decent ones too.. so, if you want to stick around for the decent ones than you'll just have to put up with the shit. Sorry.
I normally have a hard time finding time to write 1 blog post per week.. hopefully  I don't fail so superbly that they ban me from all future blogging challenges.
Stay tuned.. or not. I wouldn't blame ya. I'm not sure I want to see what kind of daily insanity I come up with.
If you want to join the fun too, you can do so at




Now go visit the other blogs that are involved to find something that's actually worth reading.
While you're there, be sure to check out my friend Shannon's blog- The Warrior Muse. #6 on the bloghop list. She's awesome.

How to create an argument out of thin air. with step by step instructions.

I had one of those "stop being such a psychotic mess" moments today. I'm hoping it will hold over and change some of my behaviors because it was a lesson I needed.

Yesterday, after a very long work day and a couple hours of running errands along with a few minor disappointments and some sleep deprivation.. I was trying hard to be "nice".

I sent my husband out for a few hours with friends. He needed to guy time, and to get out of the house. I was fine with this. I did however still need to go to the store. So, I asked him when he'd be home." 10? 10:30? 11:00?  Because I still need to go to the store..."

He said.. 10:30/11. 

And this is where things started to go wrong..

1- I told myself that since I'd noted at the end of the question that I still needed to go to the store he would obviously know the earlier the better and 11 would be pushing it a little.

2- I set an expectation for him that he would be home closer to 10:30, and didn't tell him about it.

3- I assumed that My priorities would automatically become his priorities without me ever letting him know what they were ( crazy much?)

Moving on.. I'm going about my night with little to no issue. kids are being decent even got them to go lay down in bed with hardly any trouble. I should have been over the moon happy and relaxed. Instead, this is how my night played out .

10:15- I catch a glimpse of the clock and start a mental 15 minute count down to when my husband will be home IF he cares about me.

10:30- G is still not home. I remember that he'd said 10:30/11, but he KNEW that I needed to go to the store and so he must just not give a shit.

10:45- I now have decided, in my own mind, that since he obviously doesn't care that I've been up since 6 am. worked 11 hrs, had tons to do and then had the kids for the last 2.5 hours and STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE then OBVIOUSLY  he wont care enough to show up by eleven.

10:53- G arrives. I am waiting, ready to jump all over him about being late, but since he's NOT technically late, I give him a " cutting it close, aren't you?"

10:57- G goes to the store FOR me since I am so tired and pissy.

11:25- I am still super angry at G( for doing exactly what He'd agreed to and then helping me with the store problem) so I start trying to talk to him about me needing him to be observant and thoughtful. (WTF??)

12:00- G is tired of me trying to make him feel bad for doing exactly what he said he would. And I'm still mad that my expectations weren't met so I go to bed and cant sleep for 2 hours. 

12:20 G comes to bed and falls asleep promptly. I get even MORE angry at how unfair it is that he can just Fall asleep like that. I lay awake thinking things like "Fuck you and your sleeping. why the hell do you think you can just come lay down and sleep while I'm over here mad at you and not sleeping. I should kick you repeatedly so that you cant sleep too. Look at you and your stupid smug sleeping. you think you're SO much better than me, and you deserve ALL the sleep."

Wake up this morning, STILL ANGRY. However, G is being very nice to me and I'm finding that I'm having conversations in my head like " Screw you and your niceness. I am mad at you, and I know you're only being nice so you can get out of me being mad at you for an appropriate length of time" I'm also having to put effort into STAYING upset.

Yes, you read that right. I was putting EFFORT into STAYING UPSET!

So here comes the part where I have a moment of self realization and feel like a HUGE dumb ass.

I was watching some youtube videos of a energy healer that I just ran across ( Carol Tuttle. Check her out. So far I'm impressed.) and she was talking about the stories we tell our self and how we actually actively work to make those stories true instead of just processing whats Happening... 

LIGHT BULB!! (said in the voice of gru)

It was more important for the story I was telling myself to be RIGHT, than it was for me to be HAPPY!

Holy shit! Talk about a slap in the face! Then I started thinking about other situations.. and yup. most of the huge DAYS long problems or arguments, people who I have a hard time getting along with, issues with my kids, difficulties in general.. 

I manufactured them myself. I created them because...

It was more important to me to be right, than to be happy. 

I really don't know why that's the case, or how to fix it yet.. but I will figure it out, because I'd much rather be happy. Also, I'm pretty sure my need to be right was more important to me than OTHER people being happy, and that's just... well...... 

Bitchy! 

So here's to self realization, and happier days.. even if it means I'm *gasp* WRONG....... sometimes. ;)


PS. G just called to inform me that I had SUCH a mental need to make him wrong and me right, that I actually managed to type the times wrong thus reinforcing the story that he was late. yeah... I did that. and then missed it on the proofread. so now it's edited with the right times.

2012 was an EPIC year!

2012 was one of the best years I've ever had.
There were lots of changes, and lots of challenges.
I forced myself out of my comfort zone and worked on some changes in both my personal and professional lives.
I made spending more time with my kids a priority and we are a closer family because of it.
I was able to take some time off to go on a few trips, and we have wonderful memories because of it.
I found my ability to just have fun again by learning to let other people be in charge sometimes.
My Husband and I grew closer and are getting better and better at navigating conversations without arguing.
I was able to devote more time to doing healing and spiritual work and that gave us more financial freedom than we had the years previous.
We made great strides in cleaning up our family finances.
I spent more time with my extended family, especially my Mom and Sister.
We ate healthier this year, and learned even more about how to use natural resources to impact our healing and overall wellness.
I ran my first 5K. Very exciting!!
2012 was a Fiery Passionate Year, just like I expected the dragon year to be.

There were lots of other things that happened, good AND bad. But overall 2012 was one of the best years I've ever had, and the most Fun and challenging. I feel ready to meet the coming year head on and cant wait to see what 2013 brings!

How was YOUR year in 2012? Tell me all about it!

(Credit goes to Dan from SDL for the idea)

Censorship is bad. And not in the fun way, like booze before 12 pm, or eating a pint of ben and jerrys.

This is as close to a black out of my blog as I could figure out how to do.. yeah.. I'm electronically challenged sometimes.

I will be going offline ( those of you who know me know that this is a BIG deal for me) from 8 AM to 8 PM EST in a statement of solidarity with those who oppose the SOPA and PIPA legislations. No Facebook. No twiiter. No Blogging. I will still be checking Email.

I doubt my blog gets enough traffic to influence things one way or another, but if even one person sees this and goes and learns more about these horribly unconstitutional bills, and then does something about it.. than it's well worth the time I spent blacked out.

go here:https://www.google.com/landing/takeaction/

and here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

and then help stop these bills.

Thanks

Moving Through the Void.

This is a short little note before I do my bigger New Years post tomorrow. This is about the space between the end of last year and the beginning of this one.

I subscribe to a few different trains of thought Re: Astrology and how it applies to our lives. I do know that we would be remiss to think that the pull of the moon, and the way the stars are interacting with our planet, wouldn't effect us. But I also think that there are so many other parts of the whole picture. Western Astrology, everyone is familiar with. In my case I'm a Leo, and I have a strong Virgo presence also, this is pretty evident when you get to know me. I fit that type. However, I also dabble in Eastern Astrology. their Zodiac is based on the year you were born, which makes me a monkey, which also fits in with my personality very clearly. Give me a minute and this will all make sense.

2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon years are VERY powerful, they are huge years for change, and dealing with fears, and burning -fiery- passionate living. Dragon years are never ever dull. But, we're not in the year of the Dragon yet.

The Chinese New Year is on January 23rd, which is the start of the Year of the Dragon. That leaves 23 days between the last day of the western calender and the first day of the new astrological year. 23 days of ...

A blissful void.
A quiet space to set intentions.
Tying up the loose ends of the last year.
Clearing out those things no longer wanted. 
Letting go of things that no longer serve our growth or happiness.
Preparing our selves for the coming year.
Meditation on what we've learned, and done, and created during the previous cycle.
Joyful Celebration of accomplishments
Burning out all things toxic.
Building Passionate excitement for what we might create and manifest in the year to come.

Add your own items. Things that you want to do while you're in the void before starting the Amazing, Fierce, Powerful, Year ahead. Post them to comments so that I can see how other people are using this gift of time in the void.

Are you feeling it too? That compulsion to tie up all the loose ends before starting into something new?

Tomorrow, I will be posting all about what an amazing year I had in 2012. Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers ( Dan of SDL). I'd love it if you came and read it and lent your energy to my manifestations and intentions. I'll return the favor if you blog yours. :)