Yesterday, after a very long work day and a couple hours of running errands along with a few minor disappointments and some sleep deprivation.. I was trying hard to be "nice".
I sent my husband out for a few hours with friends. He needed to guy time, and to get out of the house. I was fine with this. I did however still need to go to the store. So, I asked him when he'd be home." 10? 10:30? 11:00? Because I still need to go to the store..."
He said.. 10:30/11.
And this is where things started to go wrong..
1- I told myself that since I'd noted at the end of the question that I still needed to go to the store he would obviously know the earlier the better and 11 would be pushing it a little.
2- I set an expectation for him that he would be home closer to 10:30, and didn't tell him about it.
3- I assumed that My priorities would automatically become his priorities without me ever letting him know what they were ( crazy much?)
Moving on.. I'm going about my night with little to no issue. kids are being decent even got them to go lay down in bed with hardly any trouble. I should have been over the moon happy and relaxed. Instead, this is how my night played out .
10:15- I catch a glimpse of the clock and start a mental 15 minute count down to when my husband will be home IF he cares about me.
10:30- G is still not home. I remember that he'd said 10:30/11, but he KNEW that I needed to go to the store and so he must just not give a shit.
10:45- I now have decided, in my own mind, that since he obviously doesn't care that I've been up since 6 am. worked 11 hrs, had tons to do and then had the kids for the last 2.5 hours and STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE then OBVIOUSLY he wont care enough to show up by eleven.
10:53- G arrives. I am waiting, ready to jump all over him about being late, but since he's NOT technically late, I give him a " cutting it close, aren't you?"
10:57- G goes to the store FOR me since I am so tired and pissy.
11:25- I am still super angry at G( for doing exactly what He'd agreed to and then helping me with the store problem) so I start trying to talk to him about me needing him to be observant and thoughtful. (WTF??)
12:00- G is tired of me trying to make him feel bad for doing exactly what he said he would. And I'm still mad that my expectations weren't met so I go to bed and cant sleep for 2 hours.
12:20 G comes to bed and falls asleep promptly. I get even MORE angry at how unfair it is that he can just Fall asleep like that. I lay awake thinking things like "Fuck you and your sleeping. why the hell do you think you can just come lay down and sleep while I'm over here mad at you and not sleeping. I should kick you repeatedly so that you cant sleep too. Look at you and your stupid smug sleeping. you think you're SO much better than me, and you deserve ALL the sleep."
Wake up this morning, STILL ANGRY. However, G is being very nice to me and I'm finding that I'm having conversations in my head like " Screw you and your niceness. I am mad at you, and I know you're only being nice so you can get out of me being mad at you for an appropriate length of time" I'm also having to put effort into STAYING upset.
Yes, you read that right. I was putting EFFORT into STAYING UPSET!
So here comes the part where I have a moment of self realization and feel like a HUGE dumb ass.
I was watching some youtube videos of a energy healer that I just ran across ( Carol Tuttle. Check her out. So far I'm impressed.) and she was talking about the stories we tell our self and how we actually actively work to make those stories true instead of just processing whats Happening...
LIGHT BULB!! (said in the voice of gru)
It was more important for the story I was telling myself to be RIGHT, than it was for me to be HAPPY!
Holy shit! Talk about a slap in the face! Then I started thinking about other situations.. and yup. most of the huge DAYS long problems or arguments, people who I have a hard time getting along with, issues with my kids, difficulties in general..
I manufactured them myself. I created them because...
It was more important to me to be right, than to be happy.
I really don't know why that's the case, or how to fix it yet.. but I will figure it out, because I'd much rather be happy. Also, I'm pretty sure my need to be right was more important to me than OTHER people being happy, and that's just... well......
Bitchy!
So here's to self realization, and happier days.. even if it means I'm *gasp* WRONG....... sometimes. ;)
PS. G just called to inform me that I had SUCH a mental need to make him wrong and me right, that I actually managed to type the times wrong thus reinforcing the story that he was late. yeah... I did that. and then missed it on the proofread. so now it's edited with the right times.
PS. G just called to inform me that I had SUCH a mental need to make him wrong and me right, that I actually managed to type the times wrong thus reinforcing the story that he was late. yeah... I did that. and then missed it on the proofread. so now it's edited with the right times.
And this is one of the reasons I love you. When you're a bitch, you own it. And move on. Me? I own it, do the dance... and choke down that crow pie without a fraction of your... Grace? Adult-ness? I-am-human-not-a-posessed-freak? But I *like* being right, damn it! When it comes to Hubbyman, I even like faking rightness even when I know I'm just not. I suppose I must raise my glass with you: "So here's to self realization..."
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