Thursday, January 26, 2012

How to create an argument out of thin air. with step by step instructions.

I had one of those "stop being such a psychotic mess" moments today. I'm hoping it will hold over and change some of my behaviors because it was a lesson I needed.

Yesterday, after a very long work day and a couple hours of running errands along with a few minor disappointments and some sleep deprivation.. I was trying hard to be "nice".
I sent my husband out for a few hours with friends. He needed to guy time, and to get out of the house. I was fine with this. I did however still need to go to the store. So, I asked him when he'd be home." 10? 10:30? 11:00?  Because I still need to go to the store..."
He said.. 10:30/11. 

And this is where things started to go wrong..
1- I told myself that since I'd noted at the end of the question that I still needed to go to the store he would obviously know the earlier the better and 11 would be pushing it a little.
2- I set an expectation for him that he would be home closer to 10:30, and didn't tell him about it.
3- I assumed that My priorities would automatically become his priorities without me ever letting him know what they were ( crazy much?)

Moving on.. I'm going about my night with little to no issue. kids are being decent even got them to go lay down in bed with hardly any trouble. I should have been over the moon happy and relaxed. Instead, this is how my night played out .

10:15- I catch a glimpse of the clock and start a mental 15 minute count down to when my husband will be home IF he cares about me.
10:30- G is still not home. I remember that he'd said 10:30/11, but he KNEW that I needed to go to the store and so he must just not give a shit.
10:45- I now have decided, in my own mind, that since he obviously doesn't care that I've been up since 6 am. worked 11 hrs, had tons to do and then had the kids for the last 2.5 hours and STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE then OBVIOUSLY  he wont care enough to show up by eleven.
10:53- G arrives. I am waiting, ready to jump all over him about being late, but since he's NOT technically late, I give him a " cutting it close, aren't you?"
10:57- G goes to the store FOR me since I am so tired and pissy.
11:25- I am still super angry at G( for doing exactly what He'd agreed to and then helping me with the store problem) so I start trying to talk to him about me needing him to be observant and thoughtful. (WTF??)
12:00- G is tired of me trying to make him feel bad for doing exactly what he said he would. And I'm still mad that my expectations weren't met so I go to bed and cant sleep for 2 hours. 
12:20 G comes to bed and falls asleep promptly. I get even MORE angry at how unfair it is that he can just Fall asleep like that. I lay awake thinking things like "Fuck you and your sleeping. why the hell do you think you can just come lay down and sleep while I'm over here mad at you and not sleeping. I should kick you repeatedly so that you cant sleep too. Look at you and your stupid smug sleeping. you think you're SO much better than me, and you deserve ALL the sleep."

Wake up this morning, STILL ANGRY. However, G is being very nice to me and I'm finding that I'm having conversations in my head like " Screw you and your niceness. I am mad at you, and I know you're only being nice so you can get out of me being mad at you for an appropriate length of time" I'm also having to put effort into STAYING upset.
Yes, you read that right. I was putting EFFORT into STAYING UPSET!

So here comes the part where I have a moment of self realization and feel like a HUGE dumb ass.
I was watching some youtube videos of a energy healer that I just ran across ( Carol Tuttle. Check her out. So far I'm impressed.) and she was talking about the stories we tell our self and how we actually actively work to make those stories true instead of just processing whats Happening... 

LIGHT BULB!! (said in the voice of gru)

It was more important for the story I was telling myself to be RIGHT, than it was for me to be HAPPY!

Holy shit! Talk about a slap in the face! Then I started thinking about other situations.. and yup. most of the huge DAYS long problems or arguments, people who I have a hard time getting along with, issues with my kids, difficulties in general.. 
I manufactured them myself. I created them because...

It was more important to me to be right, than to be happy. 

I really don't know why that's the case, or how to fix it yet.. but I will figure it out, because I'd much rather be happy. Also, I'm pretty sure my need to be right was more important to me than OTHER people being happy, and that's just... well...... 

So here's to self realization, and happier days.. even if it means I'm *gasp* WRONG....... sometimes. ;)

PS. G just called to inform me that I had SUCH a mental need to make him wrong and me right, that I actually managed to type the times wrong thus reinforcing the story that he was late. yeah... I did that. and then missed it on the proofread. so now it's edited with the right times.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

2012 was an EPIC year!

2012 was one of the best years I've ever had.
There were lots of changes, and lots of challenges.
I forced myself out of my comfort zone and worked on some changes in both my personal and professional lives.
I made spending more time with my kids a priority and we are a closer family because of it.
I was able to take some time off to go on a few trips, and we have wonderful memories because of it.
I found my ability to just have fun again by learning to let other people be in charge sometimes.
My Husband and I grew closer and are getting better and better at navigating conversations without arguing.
I was able to devote more time to doing healing and spiritual work and that gave us more financial freedom than we had the years previous.
We made great strides in cleaning up our family finances.
I spent more time with my extended family, especially my Mom and Sister.
We ate healthier this year, and learned even more about how to use natural resources to impact our healing and overall wellness.
I ran my first 5K. Very exciting!!
2012 was a Fiery Passionate Year, just like I expected the dragon year to be.

There were lots of other things that happened, good AND bad. But overall 2012 was one of the best years I've ever had, and the most Fun and challenging. I feel ready to meet the coming year head on and cant wait to see what 2013 brings!

How was YOUR year in 2012? Tell me all about it!

(Credit goes to Dan from SDL for the idea)

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Censorship is bad. And not in the fun way, like booze before 12 pm, or eating a pint of ben and jerrys.

This is as close to a black out of my blog as I could figure out how to do.. yeah.. I'm electronically challenged sometimes.

I will be going offline ( those of you who know me know that this is a BIG deal for me) from 8 AM to 8 PM EST in a statement of solidarity with those who oppose the SOPA and PIPA legislations. No Facebook. No twiiter. No Blogging. I will still be checking Email.

I doubt my blog gets enough traffic to influence things one way or another, but if even one person sees this and goes and learns more about these horribly unconstitutional bills, and then does something about it.. than it's well worth the time I spent blacked out.

go here:

and here:

and then help stop these bills.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Moving Through the Void.

This is a short little note before I do my bigger New Years post tomorrow. This is about the space between the end of last year and the beginning of this one.

I subscribe to a few different trains of thought Re: Astrology and how it applies to our lives. I do know that we would be remiss to think that the pull of the moon, and the way the stars are interacting with our planet, wouldn't effect us. But I also think that there are so many other parts of the whole picture. Western Astrology, everyone is familiar with. In my case I'm a Leo, and I have a strong Virgo presence also, this is pretty evident when you get to know me. I fit that type. However, I also dabble in Eastern Astrology. their Zodiac is based on the year you were born, which makes me a monkey, which also fits in with my personality very clearly. Give me a minute and this will all make sense.

2012 is the year of the Dragon. Dragon years are VERY powerful, they are huge years for change, and dealing with fears, and burning -fiery- passionate living. Dragon years are never ever dull. But, we're not in the year of the Dragon yet.

The Chinese New Year is on January 23rd, which is the start of the Year of the Dragon. That leaves 23 days between the last day of the western calender and the first day of the new astrological year. 23 days of ...

A blissful void.
A quiet space to set intentions.
Tying up the loose ends of the last year.
Clearing out those things no longer wanted. 
Letting go of things that no longer serve our growth or happiness.
Preparing our selves for the coming year.
Meditation on what we've learned, and done, and created during the previous cycle.
Joyful Celebration of accomplishments
Burning out all things toxic.
Building Passionate excitement for what we might create and manifest in the year to come.

Add your own items. Things that you want to do while you're in the void before starting the Amazing, Fierce, Powerful, Year ahead. Post them to comments so that I can see how other people are using this gift of time in the void.

Are you feeling it too? That compulsion to tie up all the loose ends before starting into something new?

Tomorrow, I will be posting all about what an amazing year I had in 2012. Inspired by one of my favorite bloggers ( Dan of SDL). I'd love it if you came and read it and lent your energy to my manifestations and intentions. I'll return the favor if you blog yours. :)