* thru the looking glass* I'm back, but I'm not the same.

I haven't posted here since 2012. Life got crazy after that point. lots of change.
Let me catch you up. 

-I attempted to get over some major betrayal, and gave my marriage the very best I could, including becoming the sole income earner for our household.

-We moved across town to a home owned by my husbands family and the kids have thrived in their new schools.

- I became really really discontent with my career and life.

- I worked thru Danielle LaPorte's "Desire Map" program.

- I got even more discontent once I figured out that nothing I was doing aligned with how I wanted to feel in my life.

-I burned the boat I needed to... Left my stable position at IHOP to go to Massage Therapy School, without a back up plan for work and still being the main bread winner for our household.

- I managed to find the best PT job possible, closer to home, and workable with school.

- I graduated via pure grit and determination.

- I bought a Massage Business from an instructor of mine before I'd even passed my boards. Running on faith at this point.

- I passed my boards.

- I worked my ass off for a year to pay off the business I'd bought and bring in new clients.

- I gained confidence in my self.

- When things started to turn to shit in my personal life I dug in harder trying to control things and make things that weren't workable work. * pro tip... this is a bad idea.

- Lots of deaths and loss and anger and bitterness and resentment and also a lot of wins and joys and growth and love.

- The kids are bigger now and more independent and all in school and turning into the coolest little people.

- There were a bunch of times I didn't trust myself that something was off with my husband... I'd invested a lot into making things work and I didn't want what I knew was true to be true.

- Eventually he stepped out one too many times and I caught him again.. this time he was " in love"... but still I tried. obviously that didn't work, so over the last year we've worked thru it and are in the final stages of the divorce process.

- We are still living in the same home, co-parenting and co-existing as best we can. We are good friends and I want to support his adventures in finding himself and what he needs to be happy. I can do this better not being married to him.

- I have learned that there's not really anything I cant handle. Everything is figure-out-able, but not always in the way you'd planned or hoped, and sometimes loving someone isn't enough.

- I have confidence in my ability to support myself and my kids no matter what. I have what it takes to make my life work beautifully even if it looks strange to other people. I am tough as nails.

- I will never be the same person as I was last month, or last year, or 6 years ago, or even yesterday... every day it about growth and learning and change.

- I have learned that I have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. My Family is included in that.

- I've learned that being nice isn't always the best way to be, sometimes being kind is better and it doesn't always look like " Nice".

- I'm still a bitch, lowercase b.. because some things DON'T change.

Tomorrow..

I've very conflicted about tomorrow..

Its a complicated day for me.

Its my wedding anniversary, but also a date that marks a deep betrayal of trust.

Its also my day off..

But I'm spending it at home with my kids while my husband will be out of town from 9 am to 9 pm.

And, its a day I'm hoping will prove to be less disappointing than it was last year.

If Anyone wants to bring me a bottle of black swan Shiraz and some sushi tomorrow and come celebrate/mourn my day with me, be my guest.  I'll just be here doing laundry and reading.

Sisters

I have a very large family.
I'm the 2nd oldest out of 9 kids.
Yup, NINE.

there were 5 girls and 4 boys.

So, I have a lot of practice being a sister.

Here are some of the not so great things about sisters.

• They're hormonal, especially in their teens.
• They use your makeup and stuff. and sometimes they wear your clothes on the same day You wanted to wear them ( even though you didn't know you wanted to wear it until you saw them in it)
• They look better in your clothes than you do. 
• They will embarrass you in front of the boys you like.
• When you get older and you still have little sitters at home and they're a lot like you were, they will drive you EFFING CRAZY!

Here are some fantastical things about sisters.

• They understand your families particular brand of crazy
• You can borrow their clothes and their makeup and stuff.
• You will sometimes look better in their clothes than they do.
• You can embarrass them in front of boys they like.
• When you are older and you have little sisters that are still at home and are a lot like you were, you can DRIVE THEM crazy!

All kidding aside though, I have the most diverse and amazing sisters in my family.

My older sister, who I always thought was never faced with a hard decision in her life, NOW that I've gotten older is awe inspiring to me. She is a committed Stay at home mom to 6 kids ( which would cause me to be a different kind of committed), she learned ( against all odds) how to cook, she home-schools, she is starting up a TJed Co-Op, she runs a Inspirational Mothering Blog http://empoweringmothers.wordpress.com/ ( check it out YO!), and is looking at writing a book. Freakin' Rock-star!

My Sister 4 years younger than me, totally different. Although I know I'm not supposed to have Favorites she's the one I'm closest to.  She is a different kind of rock-star. The kind with Killer Pipes! For Real! This Girl can SING! on top of that she plays the piano, wicked good. Not to mention that she's a single mom to 2 adorable and crazy smart littles. She battles Anxiety and Depression and a host of other demons every day, and she still gets up and gets on with things every. single. day. Even when she's out of sorts and holding on to a very thin worn down thread, you can see that she's a strong and talented person. There are amazing things that are going to come from her down the road. just wait and see. :)

My next sister, Just turned 23. She's living in Washington State. She's Vegan, and not because its trendy. Because she honestly and truly believes in not only sanctity of life ( even for animals) but because she wants them to have comfortable, loved existences, and not just be treated as a source of food ( like most dairy cows and factory farm chickens are). She does not compromise her beliefs for anything or anyone. she has taking a lot of verbal fire from people who should be supporting her ( family and friends) but still she stand strong. She has unique personal challenges as far as her living situation and her choices being so different than the rest of the family, but she has a wonderfully strong sense of self and is very tuned into Spirit and is one of the most genuinely accepting and loving people I've ever had the privileged to know.  She just needs to learn not to second guess herself so much. That will come. :) 

the youngest? She's far too much like me. I can see that her stubbornness will serve her well when she gets older. Her ability to speak up will be both a blessing and a curse. she internal fire will burn brightly once she finds a good outlet for it. until then? we're just gonna hold on, because if her teen years are anything like mine we're in for a bumpy ride! ;)

There are a few other Ladies that I have in my life that are like sister. I feel like they are people who I had soul agreements with. people who are my sisters in spirit. I could go on all day about these Titans of Female Prowess, But then this post would be FAR too long.  

I have been so very blessed with the sisters in my life. They are my "village". They are the hearth I go to to warm my soul and to sit and listen and learn and talk. Without them, I would not be the same.

Rollin' and Tumblin'

This song make me feel full and satisfied.

Enjoy.

Quitting is for winners.

Or, rather, knowing when to quit is for winners.

I'm someone who wants to hang on to the familiar and comfortable for far longer than I should. Far past when its no longer serving me and I'm no longer serving it. 

I'm working on quitting this behavior, because it does not serve my goals.

There are other things that are no longer serving my growth or the long term ideas I have for my self and my family that I will most likely be quitting too..

But for now, in an attempt to clear out things to make room for new blessings, here is a list of things that I've been working on quitting.

• Smoking every day. ( this has been going quite well.. I have only had a hand full of cigarettes in the last month, and I'm ok with that.)

•  Doing ANYTHING out of a place of guilt.

• Extra projects that can be put on the back burner while I get other plans into motion.

• Taking blame that does not belong to me.

• Using stability as an excuse to not grow and expand

What are you quitting to help you be a winner?

Perfection is an excuse.

I'm sick of people thinking they have to act perfect, look perfect, have a perfect house, a perfect marriage, a perfect car, perfect kids, the perfect job that pays the perfect amount..

Its a sell out.

Its an excuse to not be real, to not do the gutsy things in life.

Make a damn mistake people! 

Get dirty!

Mess stuff up!

Make seemingly inane decisions... if that's what makes your soul sing!

Get real!

Because the only kind of perfect I'll EVER believe you are, is if you're being perfectly you.

THAT you cant fake. 

Do the hard stuff and get real with your self, because the facade of perfection will fail you eventually. 

OWN IT!

This is short sweet, and meat to be a reminder to myself:

Stand up.

Speak up.

Do what you feel.

Take credit.

Accept responsibility.

Its your life, you call the shots, so 

OWN IT!

 

And that's all folks